Standing Still
by Jing Mei Chen
Summary: Deb declares independence


"Chen!!" they called from behind me,"Chen!! We need your help"  
  
I kept walking.I didn't want to see their faces.Not now.  
  
"Chen!"  
*************************  
  
Cutting through the darkest night  
With my two headlights  
There's a dead end to my left  
There's a burning bush to my right  
You aren't in sight  
You aren't in sight  
****************************  
"Hey Deb!" he ran after me,"Come on"  
  
"You've got to be joking" I screamed,"Tell me you're joking"  
  
He dropped his head,his eyes avoiding me.God I remeber that face,I'd seen it before.  
  
"Where are you going??" he yelled  
  
"I quit.I'm going wherever the hell I feel like it" I swallowed hard.It was hard,the giant lump forming in my throat as he stared at me.  
  
"Deb"  
  
"Go fuck your nurse John"  
****************************  
Do you want me  
Like I want you  
Or am I standing still  
Beneath the darkened sky  
Am I standing still  
With a scene of reply and goodbyes  
AM I standing still  
Out of the corner of my eye  
****************************  
I figured the last statement was alittle harsh as I sat at the table at Doc's,staring in my coffee.  
  
"Is this table taken??"  
  
"Hey Luka" I smiled  
  
"You seem.."  
  
"Distracted??"  
  
He nodded,"Are you okay??"  
  
I swallowed hard,he understood.I mean,his girlfriend left him to get with..."Yeah,I'm okay.It's been a long week"  
  
Luka sighed,"I know.You fought with Carter,didn't you??"  
  
I nodded with guilt.  
  
"I heard"  
  
My stomach turned with shame,"Listen,Luka.."  
  
"Don't apologize" a grin spread across his face,"I've been wanting to say something like that to him"  
  
"I quit"  
  
He nodded,"I know that,too"  
  
**************************************  
Was that you  
Passing me by  
Mothers on the stoop  
Boys in souped up coops on this hot summer night  
Between fire and pride  
There's the blind man's side  
And the choice that's right  
I roll downhill  
Like I'm gonna drown in this strange town  
I feel broken down  
I feel broken down  
****************************************  
  
"Walk back with me??"  
  
I sighed,stuffing my hands in my coat pocket,"Okay"  
  
"Thank you Jing Mei" Luka smiled,"I could use the company"  
  
I nodded.Part of my wanting to leave so badly was the loss of company.I had felt alone.  
  
"It was stupid"  
  
Luka nodded  
  
"I was immature"  
  
He sighed,"And??"  
  
"I shouldn't have quit" tears raced down my cheeks  
  
"You could have asked for vacation" Luka chuckled  
  
I rolled my eyes,"I've been lacking in common sense lately.."  
  
He nodded,"Listen,the hospital I work in is hiring.."  
  
I laughed,"I quit twice,they're not going to rehire me"  
  
Luka just smiled  
***************************************  
Do you need me  
Like I need you  
Or am I standing still  
Beneath the darkened sky  
Or am I standing still  
***************************************  
"Deb!" he called,running along side me and Luka  
  
"Have you seen Dr.Weaver,Randi??" Luka asked  
  
I took deep breaths,blocking his voice out.It was soo hard.It was John.  
  
"Deb!"  
  
You don't realize you need independence until it's too late. I turned just as Abby brushed his shoulder,his smile in response. I turned my head as he called me again."I don't know Luka"  
  
"Jing Mei??" Kerry limped down the hall  
  
"I would like my job back" I said weakly  
  
"You sure??I never got around to processing the papers actually" she sighed,"So technically"  
  
Luka started to laugh,making me smile."I still work here"  
  
Kerry nodded  
  
"You knew that??" I asked Luka  
  
He nodded  
  
"Ohhh man" my cheeks flamed with shame  
*****************************************  
  
With the scene of goodbye and reply  
AM I standing still  
Out of the corner of my eye  
Was that you passing me by  
Do you love me..like I love you  
Do you want me..like I want you   
Do you need me..like I need you  
Are you passing me by??  
*****************************************  
"Deb??" John pushed into the lounge,"Why are you avoiding me??"  
  
I looked up,then slammed my locker shut."I have to go"  
  
"Deb"  
  
I glared,"Don't do this now"  
  
"What did I do??" he asked,"Tell me that much.Enlighten me!"  
  
I shook my head,"I have to get to work"  
  
"I thought you were leaving" he said quietly  
  
"I won't let you run me out of this hospital" I whispered  
  
"What??"  
  
I had left this hospital,with the same look on his face.He was confused. I came back , and he wore the most infurating look on his face that I've ever seen.It was the same smug one,the one he wore during the intervention.The I'm fucking better than you. And it tore me apart.  
  
"I said I won't let you run me out of this hospital" I repeated  
  
"Is this about me and Abby??"  
  
I pushed past him,taking a deep breath,looking around the hospital.It was time to get to work.To move on.  
  
  
  
  



End file.
